On the Subject of Love

There are times when I think that water is incapable of pooling in my eyes anymore.  I am proven wrong on occasion.  To be quite frank, I am relieved that I am still able to show some emotion.  I am not ashamed to say that it feels good to know that I can cry over something that is worth crying about.  The birth of my daughters comes to mind.  The love my wife has for me never ceases to amaze me.  And that part in Forest Gump when he visits Jenny’s grave.  Kills me every time. 

I was reading a book before the semester started regarding the topic of grace and God’s love for us.  I believe the example is out of Donald Miller’s Searching for God Knows What.  Or maybe it was a Driscoll blog.  The author was speaking of God’s love and those who deal with so much guilt that they feel like they have actually lost it.  I struggle with this from time to time as I have done some pretty rotten things.  The author compares His love for us as the same as our love for our children.  Unconditional, unbreakable, and strong.  Life examples always seem to pop up which put the books I read into perspective.  This is one of those instances.

Rielle was rushed to the Children’s Hospital for complications surrounding the RSV virus on Monday, February 13, 2012.  Her oxygen level was too low and she was having trouble breathing adequately on her own.  I was able to make it down to the Kaiser treatment center just in time to see the paramedics strap her car seat to the stretcher for transport to the ambulance.  She had little tubes coming out of her nose and she looked defeated.  She looked up into my eyes after I gave her a kiss on the forehead.  I’d like to think that she felt comfort when she looked into my eyes.  

Ivy and I visited Heather and Rielle at the hospital today.  Rielle’s oxygen level is maintained at an adequate reading with oxygen tubes that cling to her face with the help of band-aids.  The oxygen is humidified to help soothe her nasal passages.  She has IV’s stuck to the top of her little hands that supply her with fluids as she is having a hard time keeping milk down.  Her little ears are red as an ear infection begins to plague her right ear.  She seems uncomfortable, so I talk to her.  She stops her fussing and looks toward the sound of my voice.  She looks into my eyes and she calms.  It was at that moment that it felt as though my heart was going to explode with love.  It took everything I had to pull it together.

As I was looking at my broken daughter, I couldn’t help but liken my overwhelming love for her, to God’s love for me.  I imagine that God’s love for me is exactly what I felt right as Rielle’s gaze met mine.  The thought of this kind of intense love focused toward me is overwhelming and almost unbelievable.  It is undeserved but given freely.  That is the beautiful thing about God’s grace and forgiveness.  He can love a broken person like me as if I were the most precious thing in the whole world.  That feels good.  It feels really good….

A big Thank You to Jason Lohse who has suffered numerous text messages regarding the subject of grace and forgiveness.

Can You Run for Thirty Years?

As baby number two (yes she has been named) coerces a consistent repetition of contractions through Heather’s tired body, I can’t help but think about what the two of us are in for.  It’s not that I am underprepared or under excited.  I simply feel like I am entering the second leg of an iron man marathon.  Please don’t get me wrong when I put an emphasis on the phrase “iron man marathon.”  I use the analogy as a marathon enthusiast would use it.  With excitement!  Heather and I spent a lot of time training for children, if that is even possible.  We read the books and listened to the war stories of others.  Thankfully, we have lived through sixteen months and three weeks worth of our firstborn and it has been a privilege.  I have been told that we are lucky.

            I find our next challenge ironic.  Let me be candid.  I put a high level of importance toward the idea of making sure each of our children feels an equal amount of love.  Why do I find this ironic?  It seems to me that the firstborn always has the most amount of documented memories.  As each new little one comes along, it seems that there are less and less photos and knick-knacks within each respective photo album and time capsule.  At the same time, studies show that the first-born feels a sense of abandonment when baby number two slips into the world.  Herein lies the challenge.  I need to expend equal amounts of love to both children, while at the same time, finding time to balance out a loving relationship with Heather.  I think Heather and I wrap so much love around Ivy that at the end of the night, the love machine (take it how you will) within ourselves putters on fumes.  This typically leaves the two of us on the couch watching “Family Guy” reruns with slinted eyes and half-hearted foot rubs.

            We will have two girls when this thing is said and done.  Realistically, we could end up with three girls when we shoot for our third and final.  Everyone always tells me that this hand was dealt as a ramification for my past years as a single lad.  That scares the hell out of me.  The last thing I want is one of my daughters coming home with a guy like me.

            Alternative Press magazine did a great bit on several musicians who are parents as well.  Dustin Kensrue, of the band Thrice, reminded me, again, of the importance of love shared between a father and his daughter(s).  Especially between father and daughters.  Kensrue states, “ I put a high priority on making sure they feel loved.  I think especially for girls, the way their dad shows them love has a huge and lasting impact on the rest of their lives.”  So many studies show that the connection and love between a father and his daughters is critical toward stable emotional development.  So if I tell my daughters that they are beautiful, important, and special on a daily basis then I am putting forth the effort required to run this marathon with heart.  If I open the car door for my daughters, cook them dinner, and encourage self-satisfaction within any activity they choose to participate in then I am readying the baton for a smooth pass to a suitable suitor.   And most importantly, God must stand as the center point over all things we choose to do.  Without Him, this path has way too many compassless directions that I am too feeble minded to navigate alone.  I prove this to myself and everyone else on a daily basis.  Ask Heather.  Ask anyone.

            Ultimately, I think I put a lot of undue pressure on myself for the final product that the world will receive when my little ones reach the real world.  Will they be successes?  Will they be average?  Will they burden the taxpayer as a life-long welfare recipient?  Honestly, I think that I will be happy as a clam if they are happy.  I think anyone can succeed within every self-made environment whether it be success or temporary failure.  My job as a father is to be supportive and to love my girls unconditionally.  All the rest is up to God.

            A massive Thank You to my strong, loving wife who puts up with my ridiculousness on a daily basis.  I Love You more than you know.  The motivation [for greater things] that you stir up within me is immeasurable.  Thank You.

Coronado

Waves don’t demolish her shore

She is rich, far too wealthy for me to reside

Never been a fan of turtlenecks and slacks

But I fit right in on its sand

The outlying suburbs I carried in on my shoes taint the city shine

She has her back turned to the slums

If you could even call it that

Venture over the bridge

This is where real life lies in wait

The Teacher

A man stares out over a sea of desks

He is aged, as is his wisdom

Immaturity talks from numerous seats within the square

Mostly of issues it doesn’t understand

 - And the teacher smiles

Times they are a changing

Middle-aged folks are embarrassed to be among the teenagers

We pay for knowledge, not to be the earpiece for the MTV followers who just won’t shut up

 - And the teacher smiles

His arm extends, shaking with a paper

Its surface is decorated with red ink, not sticky stars

He tells the class that he is proud of the students work

Subliminally speaking to a select few

We leave, feebly mastering the subject

- And the teacher smiles

The Ballad of a Prosperous Failure

I never planned on maturing.  Does one ever plan on maturing?  I think maturity is similar to death, meaning one doesn’t think about it until the event actually occurs.  Ivy Mikayla and Heather Ivy are the axis on which my world turns.  I think about it differently these days.  I feel like I am the captain of an, “old, old wooden ship used in thee Civil War era (diversity).”  Congratulations to those of you who got that one.  I built the ship.  Heather came along and modified the ship.  She made it sturdier, a little more stylish.  I noticed that our ship was a little easier to steer and my sails seemed to catch more wind.   The waves that crash against us have not ceased.  They still flow at natures will.  Sometimes we sail through calm seas and other times we take on water from the crashing waves of a storm.

I handle it differently now.  When I was younger, I would abandon ship without hesitation and swim for safety.  Now that I think about it, how logical does that really sound?  These days, I stick with my ship.  I mend broken areas with new parts (communication) and I shine the bronze on her stern (tell her she is beautiful).  We dine in the cabin (we still date) and we’ll drop anchor and take a swim from time to time (adventure).  But I fail, and I hate it.

The most important tool a captain can have on his ship is a compass.  There are times when I feel like I forget that I even own a compass.  I remember back when it used to take me to each desired destination without fail.  There were even times it took me to places that I didn’t expect.   Places where I didn’t feel I needed to be.  I blamed the compass, not my own selfishness.  Somehow, the necessary guidance in my life was placed on a shelf in my living quarters where it collected dust.  I’d wipe of the dust from time to time, but I don’t use it for the purpose that it was intended.  And I am a failure because of it.  Even now, my heels dig into the cover as I sit here watching my hand create the words on this paper.

The world is the sea.  Why do I feel like I am in the water pulling on a rope that is attached to the ship?  Doesn’t this defeat the purpose of owning a ship?  I am the idiot trying to pull my ship in a directionless direction while refusing to use the essential tool to find a location embodied with purpose.  What’s funny is that I know I should climb back into the ship, pull out the compass, and set sail for the point of the needle.   Yet I fill with excuses and procrastination.  This, in and of itself, is deadly.

Funny how worldly “priorities” take the helm over Him.  They sneak in and invade my pores.  So silently, in fact, that I am unaware of an additional presence until I am standing in the soil of my own little pity party.  The diabolos finds pleasure in putting me here, and I feel like a fool when I let him do so.  And there is no need for this.  My flesh is so weak it sickens me.

I am loved, forgiven by my Creator.  I have a place, a purpose, and can feel secure in my ultimate resolution.  Lord, strengthen me and help me lead my family in the correct direction.  My priorities are reprioritized.   Help me to dodge complacency.  You are not monotonous, You are my adventure.  Lead me to be the father and husband that You desire me to be.

Ivy Is Here - (2015 Remixed & Remastered)

IIvy Mikayla was born August 7, 2010, at 7:10 AM. Heather and I had accomplished everything within our power to ready her new little world within a small parcel of just over 1,000 square feet. She can call 8x10 worth of that thousand square feet hers. We were ready, per material standards. We did not, however, have any kind of bearing on what type of emotional impact her birth would deliver. It hit me at about 7:09 AM and 43 seconds.

Ivy appeared at 7:10 AM. The only way to describe my emotional state is by comparing it to a washing machine on "Heavy Duty" cycle. This specific wash had everything packed inside. Colors, whites, delicates, and knits. When she appeared, numerous emotions hit me all at once. I felt weak from instant unconditional love. I wanted to be strong and yet I wanted to burst into tears at the same time. The only thing that was set in stone, unchanging, was my ear-to-ear smile. That wasn't going anywhere.  

 

When I think back, I tend to chuckle a bit. I had to give the medical team a little bit of room right after she was born so that they could do their job. I remember standing about four feet behind them in a haze that I can’t really describe. And I still held that smile. I can liken that moment to standing in a piece of PVC pipe, bottled up with the emotions I described earlier. I must have looked drunk. I guess I was, depending on how you look at it.

All of my friends, who are parents, have told me that time does nothing but shoot by you at an immeasurable pace. I naively figured that I’d have a minute to sit back and realize all that has happened and to study the little miracle that Heather and I were able to produce. They were all right. We have been hit by a barrage of diapers, feeding schedules, wake time, nap time, skin to skin time, Google searches as to "why she does this," and a mommy/daddy sleep schedule that mommy and daddy aren’t used to. Ivy is already eight days old. It feels like she just arrived yesterday.

Mikayla means "Gift From God" which, if you know our story, is quite appropriate. After some of the dust had settled, I was able to study my little girl as she laid in her mobile wooden cradle. I have heard numerous people ask for proof of God’s existence. As I looked at Ivy, I could only wonder how they can’t see the miracles that we are surrounded by at every rounded corner. Specifically, within a new little blessing such as this!

Ivy is not chance. She is not an accident. She didn’t evolve out of matter. God’s hand shaped her into the intricacy that envelops every breathing human body. And everything else for that matter. As I looked at her, I noticed that everything she is comprised of has a purpose. From the way that she looks (physically), to the numerous faces that she has learned how to make.

Parents are right. It is incredible how having a child will coerce life’s purpose into a 180 degree turn.

Thank You, Lord, for this opportunity. We pray that you protect Ivy as she continues to grow, and we pray that you continue to mold Heather and I into the parents that we should be.  

Being A Parent and Such...

Heather just passed the thirty-week mark today, June 2, 2010. The fact that I haven’t even started to convert the office into a nursery yet might describe how surreal this feels to me. I remember the first ultrasound when Ivy looked like a little pinto bean with branches. The next ultrasound produced images that revealed the beginnings of skeletal structure, frog legs, and a big belly. And then we found out that she was a girl. No weiner to be found.

These days, there is a hyper little body of life kicking around inside Heather’s belly. I put my hand on her skin to feel movement. I imagine that Ivy is like me as she tries to find the most comfortable position to sleep within her little cocoon. If it were me in there, I’d stick my face up against mom’s belly to freak out whoever might be looking at me from the outside. But that’s just my humor. Ivy is due August 11^th. I needed nine months to prepare myself for the change that is coming. This is what I have constructed within the limitations of my brain. All of these actions are subject to change based on the natural direction of said child.

What type of music am I going to play for her when she arrives? If I sit her in front of AC/DC’s “Let There Be Rock” record will she turn into a biker chick? What if I play her Miles Davis’ “Kind of Blue” record? Will she turn into Lisa Simpson? So what is the balance? What is a good medium? After much consideration, I have determined that she will be subjected to the following records: Journey “Escape,” Jimmy Eat World’s “Clarity,” Sigur Ros’ “Ágætis byrjun,” both of Matthew Pryor’s Terrible Twos records, Evan Robinson’s work with War Stories and definitely Gary Shiebler’s work. Maybe even Snoopy and the Red Barron if I can find it on 7 inch. I figure that’s a good start and a good mix.

Heather and I pray everyday about life after the baby. I would love nothing more then for Heather to be a stay at home mom. No, that doesn’t mean, “man go to work, woman stay home to clean, cook, raise child, and be man slave.” It means that I would be comforted by the fact that we are rearing our own child. We want to be the example to our child. I always fear that she will be confused about who is who. And “why do I get into trouble when I do this with them but not when I do this with them?” Or “why do they let me watch TV all day but mom and dad won’t?” God will steer us in the right direction. We know everything will be ok. It’s just one of the things I think about.

Our child will know what a book is. She will know how to read it. Whether she likes to read as she grows older is her choice, but at least she will have read a novel. Our child will not own a portable game player, nor will a game player exist in the house. She will know what it is like to run around outside at the playground. She will know what it is like to skin her knees, to get dirty, and to hit a boy in the face if she likes him. And if a little boy tries to kiss her she will kick him in the balls and get into trouble just like we did in the old days. She will not sit in front of the television set all day, but she will be taken to the theatre on special occasions. How can one deprive a child of such an amazing experience? I still remember my mom and dad walking me down the aisle of the theatre as the opening credits for “Empire Strikes Back” rolled across the screen. It was larger then life to me. It was 1980 and I was only two years old. I still remember.

Ultimately, Ivy will pick her final resting place in every relevant category. I will support her in any natural direction she chooses to pursue with the exception of crime. You might think I am contradicting myself if you parallel the above statement and all the rules I have set which can be seen above. This isn’t true however. The fact that I am playing good music for her simply means that I want to introduce her to good music. If she ever fell in love with the sounds of Justin Bieber, Clay Aiken, DC Talk, Audio Adrenalin, or Beyonce, I don’t know how I’d be able to carry on in this world. It’s not even an attempt to get her to pick up an instrument. I just want her to be able to decipher garbage from art.

I’ve only skimmed the surface of a few of the things that run through my mind. But I guess that’s what parenting is all about. It’s a whole new adventure. And I feel like I am ready. I’ll start by moving the office into the guest bedroom like I have been meaning to do. 95% because I’m ready to, and 5% because Heather will kill me (literally) if I put it off any longer.

Steven!